Menopause Mayhem

Dare I say it…I may be hitting menopause! I’m approaching that dreaded stage in a woman’s life where we start drying up like the Sahara Desert. I have another 260-ish days before I turn the BIG 4-0, but the signs are there.

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It all went downhill when I turned 30. Just when I’d snagged my better half and was finally getting a regular shag, my metabolism decided to slow down to a snail’s pace. Nine years later, I’ve turned into what looks like the feral offspring of the Michelin man. I’ve become a beached whale. My waistline has been missing in action since 2010. My former size-8 frame has obviously gone to a better place. I picture it sunbathing in some exotic location with a mojito in hand. Forget a 6-pack. You can’t even describe my jelly belly as a muffin top …..I’m shaped like a keg!

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I’ve let myself go to the extent that nothing in my wardrobe fits me. I know I need to get off my ass and be more active, but the motivation is simply non-existent. I work up a sweat just watching fitness videos via YouTube. Forget sit-ups or downward dogs, the only exercise I do these days is lifting a Krispy Kreme into my mouth. I’m a couch potato…my bum’s fused to the sofa. I have a yoga mat and a treadmill in the lounge, on the off chance I feel inspired to work out, but most days it’s a Mexican standoff. The tension is palpable, it’s a daily confrontation between me and the exercise equipment. The first who blinks loses (me, hands down – every time!).

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Then there’s my emotional eating habits. The roller coaster ride of binging on food when I’m happy, on a downer or bored. Even when I’m tired of eating…I still have this strong craving to drown my sorrows in a packet of Oreos. I have a theory that my hormones are all over the place. These days, I’m not just emotional when Aunt Flo comes to visit every month, it seems to be a weekly thing. At its worse, my hormonal outbursts consists of tears and tantrums, with a few glimpses of laughter in between, almost like four seasons in one day. It’s a vicious cycle. My poor better half doesn’t know whether he’s dealing with Jekyll or Hyde. Lucky for me he has a soft spot for both.

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But wait, there’s more. The bazoongas have started to sag…one’s heading east and the other is running in the opposite direction. The jugs aren’t so perky these days, they’ve lost that B-B-Bounce. They need a bit more pep, a little pick me up, maybe a tweak or two? It gets worse. I can’t seem to hold my bladder like I use to. There’s nothing worse than coming home after a night of boozy frivolities and you’re busting to pee! As you accelerate up the driveway (pedal to the metal, full throttle style), I’m simultaneously un-buckling the belt and undoing the pants. I often find myself performing the hot shoe shuffle as I stand at the front door, searching for my keys, saying a silent Hail Mary hoping desperately that the No. 1s can hold it in for two more minutes. By the time I reach the throne, a minor tinkling accident has leaked out.

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To top it all off, there are the sweats. There could be a blizzard outside, yet all I want to do is wear is a pair of socks (and only a pair of socks – much to the delight of the better half). My partner is as snug as a bug in a rug, tightly cocooned under the sheets, yet I’m lying on top of the doona sweating like I’m on death row. I could be doing the most mundane of tasks, but I’d be showing tell-tale signs of perspiration. Despite the super strength deodorant I wear, I’m so conscious that the body odour follows me around like a bad stench!

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I admit, I’m no spring chicken. I’m certainly not getting any younger, skinnier or prettier. My thirty, flirty and thriving days are coming to an end. As I approach the naughty forties, this swan is fast becoming an old goose!

You Are What You Eat – That Would Make Me Sweet Junk

They say love is a journey, not a destination. I guess I could use the same analysis for losing weight. In fact, if shedding the pounds is a journey, I wish there was an accompanying road map with a direct route to the ultimate hour glass figure, with regular pit stops at all you can eat venues, while bypassing the gym!

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My campaign to transform into a ‘Victoria’s Secret supermodel’ has been a hard slog so far and there is no end in sight. Previous half hearted attempts at fighting the flab only resulted in a measly two kilos being shed over a twelve month period! The worst part, I quickly regained the weight, and managed to pile on a few extra pounds.  Based on my progress so far, the quest to trim down will be nothing short of a saga, longer than the Biggest Loser series. Queue the violins!

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According to Carol Montgomery, “married people don’t have to exercise because our attitude is, ‘They’ve seen us naked already, and they like it’”1. I can relate to this view. Ever since I found a wonderful man to share my life with, I have managed to gain some excess baggage. It was as if finding relationship bliss was a green light to letting my figure go like the Goodyear blimp. It doesn’t help that I too now share in my partner’s passion for all things sweet, especially dessert. That’s in addition to my addiction to greasy fast food. It’s enough to clog up the arteries. No wonder I’ve got so much junk in my trunk (sadly my booty is nothing like Kim Kardashian’s)!

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Luckily the better half loves to exercise – me…not so much! Since we’ve met, my weight has fluctuated as much as the Australian dollar, and continues to rise or fall as I go through spurts of dieting and exercising. Each time I reach my goal weight I become complacent and fall back on old habits by cutting back on work outs and spoiling myself by raiding the pantry and snacking on chips, chocolate, donuts, cakes, biscuit slices – hence, the never ending vicious cycle.

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Despite my newfound commitment to running, according to the scales, the fat hasn’t budged. We live in a world where we’re driven by instant results, but in this instance, a positive outcome hasn’t been forthcoming which is disheartening. It doesn’t help that running builds up my appetite and all I want to do is head towards the Maccas drive through for a chocolate sundae after a jog. This raises another issue, I want ready to eat healthy food (or at least easy to prepare food) that tastes good – it comes down to convenience.

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Everyday I’m bombarded on television by one stop diet solutions that claim to slim down your figure and melt the tummy fat away without the need to hit the gym. I’m sceptical of these so-called ‘comprehensive weight loss systems’ including diet shakes, supplements and pills. Besides, I don’t want to deprive myself of one of life’s most simple pleasures….food!

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So what do I do??? My plan is to continue to jog and work up a sweat; it’s a medium intensity work out that I’m beginning to enjoy. The next stage for me is to do a complete overhaul on what I eat and how much I consume. The aim is to cover the five food groups, eating more fruit and vegetables and taking focus away from the food positioned at the top of the food pyramid – goodbye Coke, Krispy Kremes, baked New York cheesecakes, sticky date puddings, burgers, pizzas (truthfully, it’s enough to make me cry, but it’s got to be done!).

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I’m realistic about my goal. I’m well aware that losing weight is hard work and will involve regular exercise and striking a balanced diet with the aim of eating healthier food that tastes great (which is my idea of a ‘happy meal’). This adjustment won’t happen overnight and will require changing a lifetime of bad eating habits and routines. The cravings will continue and I’ll be honest, I’ll still have weak moments but it’s about exhibiting some self-control and discipline over what and how much I consume going forward.  I can feel it in my waters, the path to getting in shape will be a long and winding one. The journey is a lifestyle change!

Source: McMeel, A “Wild words from wild women”, Andrews McMeel Publishing, LLC, Kansas City, 2009 (2009 Calendar)

Citation: McMeel, A “Wild words from wild women”, Andrews McMeel Publishing, LLC, Kansas City, 2009 (2009 Calendar)

Let’s Get Physical – Let Me Hear Your Body Talk

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I’ll be the first to admit that exercising is a bitch (a bitch I’m more than willing to have a fight with). However, a recent comment by trainer Michelle Bridges  published in The Age – Daily Life in which she stated “You don’t have to be motivated to exercise, you just have to turn up and do it”1 spurned me to get off my podgy ass in my quest against the battle of the bulge.

Michelle continued with the punches saying “This whole ‘I can’t get motivated thing’ is a crock.”2 which was a further eye opening slap in the face that got my pulse racing. But to her credit, Bridges does offer up some sound advice to get me (or you) out of the exercise slump.

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According to Bridges, be sure to choose an exercise that suits3. I hate exercising. I try to avoid it as much as Superman stays away from kryptonite. Unfortunately, my waistline went missing in action five years ago and I’ve recently embarked on a mission to locate it. Pilates, Zumba, Tai Bo – are just not my thing. Organising a gym membership is too costly, especially with my lack of commitment. So, I’ve decided to take my outdoor exercise regimen more seriously and commit to my running sessions. This routine gets me out of the house into the sunshine (which I enjoy) while I burn some calories jogging.

Michelle believes that exercising should be part of a regular routine and to exercise at any given opportunity4. Lifting up the remote and changing the channels on the TV is the extent of my fitness regime. Yet, Michelle points out that, “You can exercise while watching television”5. So whilst I salivate over the dishes featured on Masterchef, or scowl at the girls on Australia’s Next Top Model, or envy Kim’s curvaceous body on Keeping Up With the Kardashians – I’m in front of the TV screen working up a sweat in my daggy tracksuit performing squats and lunges (I do like to throw in a little Macarena or Gangnam-Style dance moves into the mix as well).

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Bridges advocates that varying your training is the key to maintaining motivation6. My better half bought me a bike which later became a decorative focal point in the garage. It gathered dust and cobwebs faster than Kim Kardashian’s marriage to Kris Humphries. However, with the warmer months looming, he’s encouraged me to ride my bike along the nearby track overlooking the ocean (see, the better half isn’t just a pretty face, he does come up with a few wise ideas). There’s nothing more soothing than a bike ride along the shoreline. I’ve got yoga mats that are lost somewhere in the depths of my cupboards which I need to locate. I need to continue with some much needed push-ups and stomach crunches to say goodbye to my muffin top.

Another tip from Michelle is to set yourself realistic goals7. During a half-hearted sprint session, I once tried to run 100m, Usain Bolt style, in 9.63 seconds…not even close. I was overtaken by a five year old! (At that point, I thought of trying another Olympic sport altogether, like curling. I’d blitz the field and sweep everyone off their feet!).  OK, so the bar was set too high. But, when I first began my jogging sessions, my initial goal was to jog 500m without passing out and it progressed from there – 500m without stopping to catch a breath – 1000m at a slow jogging pace, pausing only twice. I just have to improve on that momentum.

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Bridges recommends finding a training partner8. I must admit, I’ve trained once before with the better half and it was motivating having him with me. Seeing him lap me several times on an athletics track adds a little fuel to the fire, to push myself to jog further and faster. We’ve vowed to make this a routine every Sunday so that we can both improve on our fitness level.

Lastly, Michelle suggests to make firm exercise appointments and not to let exercise slip in the winter months9. Sadly for me, my loathing for training doesn’t begin or end at winter; it’s an on going drama regardless of what season. Even the thought of exercising is so exasperating it tires me out. I spend hours psyching myself up to put the trainers on, but it’s one excuse after another, ‘it’s too hot’, ‘it’s too cold’, ‘it’s raining’, ‘I’m having a bad hair day!’ Bottom line is, I have all the time in the world to exercise. I have no excuse not to! It goes back to Bridges’ original comment ‘you just have to turn up and do it!’.

So, with this in mind, I think there is still hope for me to become a Victoria’s Secret model – it won’t happen overnight, but it will happen!

For further information, check out Michelle Bridges’ 12 Week Body Transformation website on http://www.12wbt.com/

Image Source: michellebridges.com.au/aboutmish/

Source:

http://www.dailylife.com.au/photogallery/health-and-fitness/dl-fitness/michelle-bridges-top-workout-tips-20120920-26890.html

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Citations On Request